Superficial

Superficial

Written on August 30, 2010 at 3:32am

 First let me start by saying that I am not sure who this is for or who will even read it for that matter.  But if it did matter, it would defeat the purpose of writing this.

Something doesn’t feel right.  I can’t put my finger on it.  Perhaps it is last minute regrets.   Perhaps it is fear of the impending doom.  Perhaps it is nothing at all!  But it is someTHING.

I know what is not.  It is not paranoia.  It is not fear of commitment.  It is not reluctance to move forward in my life.

I am numb.  The inclination to add an exclaimation point escapes me.  I have lost enthusiasm, and I am not sure if anyone has noticed.  I don’t think I care if ANYone has noticed.  My pride prevents me from wanting anyONE to notice.  But my desire for attention yearns for EVERYone to notice.  My selfishness has gone unattended for quite some time…

…and I wonder what brash thing I must do next to re-ignite my passion.

Where I am now does not nurture lust for the tangible.  It is what I can feel…that I seek.   I want to feel again, but not for the sake of feeling.   Instead, for the sake of being satisfied–for a moment, and then again for longer.  Not a taste of fantasy.  Rather a lasting feeling of fulfillment.

Something is missing, and I can’t figure out what it is.  Physical, emotional, spiritual?  Something is wrong.  No quick fix here.  I don’t want it.  But I don’t know what I want.   But it must be genuine.  I can’t be superficial.

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