8 years Gone

Cinco De Mayo is a fun holiday for some. It’s not Mexican Independence Day like so many believe. Nor is it the “Day of The Dead” like so many others suppose.  Every holiday has a special meaning to someone.  And some, for very personal and spiritual reasons, ignore holidays altogether.  For me, May 5 marks the anniversary of my movement from normalcy. 

On this day eight years ago, dissapointment and insecurity resulted in a failed marriage and an unexplained end to what I once knew.  Anniversaries are for celebrations, no?  So why does this day in May mean so much to me? 

Hours after the divorce agreement was signed by the judge, I sat across the dinner table from a woman who’d held my hand through the last months of the proceedings.  I knew that I was too damaged to marry again.  Heck!  It would be years before I could love again. But I wanted to thank her (and apologize for not being as strong as I should be). I told her that “if the Lord came down from heaven above and asked me to choose a wife…”  And then I stopped myself.  It was a statement that I could not complete.  Nor should I!

She held my hand, looked into my eyes, and smiled. She too was waiting for the next chapter of her life to begin. Nearly 4 years later she married another. And I’m not mad about it. I’m not embarrassed that I wasn’t a part of her next chapter. Instead I am almost jealous that my next chapter has not yet begun.  When that angel met the eventual love of her life, I was confused. What was my role in all of this?

I open my heart and opened my eyes and waited…

It would’ve been helpful to know what I was waiting for.  When I thought I was waiting for love, I really was waiting for peace. Like a temptress baiting me along, the world fooled me into thinking that my blessing was around the corner.  I was blessed all along.

Five years later I had hoped for better. This time I was more assertive. As a matter fact I was borderline aggressive and it did not serve me well. I demanded to know if this Cinco de Mayo would bring me a new outlook. I asked the question, and there was no response. This would-be lover could no better predict my future than her own.  

The lies and the deception and the confusion and the fear were all dimensions in my own mind. The tricky part about sharing your world is that you can’t always pick and choose what you share.  And just like any other holiday when we share our lives and our souls, we don’t know what we will get in return. It’s merely a celebration of life.

Today I morn the loss for a moment, and try again.

And so… Cheers to the world! Cheers to my friends!! Cheers to you. It’s margarita time!

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