Defining My Humility

I’ve been warned that the devil has ears too. I’ve seen my blessings halted because I allowed the rules of the world to distract me. I’ve experienced the deception by loved ones because they’ve exploited my humanity.  The result of being open, honest, and transparent.  

Why should I be surprised.  My savior was crucified despite His love for the world.  He was crucified BECAUSE of his love for the world.  What would Jesus do?  He’s already done it!  I could only be…(insert adjective here). 

We teach our children that sticks and stones can break our bones, but words can never hurt us. You know the adage.  It’s one of the first things we’re taught in our formative years.  But words DO hurt.  The amount of physical healing pales in comparison to emotional recovery.  Coupled with actions, words can build a nation or destroy it.  

My words are carefully chosen.  When I make a statement, it’s well thought out and deliberate. My words are a direct correlation with my feelings. When my feelings change, my expressions adjust accordingly.  When I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), my words become meaningful–my emotions evident.  I am taking action.  My words are amplified.  And yet I remain humble (?)

There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance.  I am reminded often. My emotions are less balanced in the face of injustice. Im learning late in life that rational people find ways to justify their actions.  Irrational people are often perceived as incapable, insecure, or mentally ill.  Especially when their words do not match their actions, we may even conclude that they are hypocrites.  

Well I’m here to tell you, in the words of the late great Prince Rogers Nelson, there’s something else…the afterworld. 

What he didn’t tell you is that we’ve crossed over into the afterworld a long time ago.  There was no unified moment in our collective lives.  No definitive moment conveys the leap from the old life to the new.  For some, it’s the moment that they accept their salvation.  For others, it’s the birth of their first child.  

For me, it was the admission that the people I valued the most, cared for me the least.  Through their actions and their words I can no longer overlook the malice.  The innocence is on par with my naiveness. That single moment, my world was inverted. I’m sad to admit that it’s happened more than once.  It’s likely that it will happen again.  

Each time, I pray that the trauma will revert my life, my circumstances, and my outlook back to an innocent time.  I pray that my journey becomes more pleasant and that I will arrive at my destination bruised but intact.  Instead, each time I’m jilted, I become more jolted and more bitter.  I haven’t yet been able to return to the innocence. Trapped in the afterworld.   

I’m less humble than I was.  My life has value. I wake daily and thank God for another chance to let his light shine through me.  Every night I drop to my knees asking forgiveness for letting that light dim. Man sins daily.  I am no different.  There have been days I couldn’t make it past noon before I begged for forgiveness. I am humbled that He allows me to continue on.  I’m not worthy.  But in His eyes, I was worthy enough…

I am humbled.  Daily!

But my humility has a limit.  My humanity is no excuse.   Damnation is on the other side of furry.  Or is it redemption?   I can’t tell yet because I’m still angry.  My words are my sword.  My victims hemmorage.  I offer no solace.   

My pastor offered an explanation when I asked for prayers and spiritual support.  I told him that I take full responsibility for the wrath I bring upon myself.  I am the common denominator in all of my problems, despelling the notion of a spiritual attack.  To which he responded, “don’t discount the power of the enemy, brother.”   Evil is all around, it knows our weaknesses. Our human flesh is no match for world.  Thank goodness it’s the sabbath!  Time to recharge my spirit…

My humility is challenged hourly.  My triggers are more obvious.  My weaknesses are exploited.  But my evolution is anticipated.  My power unleashed cannot be tempered.  Everyday brings with it a new opportunity to hone my craft.  My humility is dissolving and my confidence has morphed in to something far greater than arrogance. My faith grows. My knowledge builds. I am more aware.  I am less afraid.  I am stronger, less tolerant, and more willing to take risks.  I am all things through Christ who strengthens me.  

I am unapologetic for standing up.  Not at all sorry for my words but eager to ensure that they are aligned with my actions.  How shall I remain humble and confident simultaneously?  By learning to say “thank you…”

So now the biggest challenge is discerning who is trustworthy and who is sincere enough to accompany me along my journey.  And the biggest threat is sharing this energy with the world.  For He is not the world.  He is the great I AM.  

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