Thinking Out Loud

I’m watching a Jack Ryan episode. I pay close attention, not to my misunderstandings of the directors portrayal of Middle-Eastern conflict, but to the civilian equipment used by the military forces. I think back to a proposed boycott of FordMoCo because they manufactured American Police Cruisers that are relied upon by cops who sometimes miscarry justice. I wonder if the miscarriages would still occur if equipment was not available.

Then I think about a meme my friend posted on social media this morning. It warned that we are all portrayed as evil in someone else’s story. I think about narratives. I think about my perspective. I think about how I may never know the perspective of my adversaries (and how I may never know the true perspective of my allies).

I think about how I sat in church while still reflecting on the unfulfilled fantasies from the night before. The unkept promises made in good-faith, the promises that I want to make that won’t see the light of day, and the promises I can’t make because I know better…they consume me.

Living without regret. Staving off guilt. Guilty of regretting. Regretting not feeling guilty (and not meeting someone else’s expectations). I am thinking out loud. But no one hears me.

Writing it down or recording it for others to hear is meaningless when no one reads it; when no one hears it. Hence, it’s my own voice that reverberates. The vibrations are numbing my senses. The numbness hurts. Lack of feeling is not always a good thing. Crashing into things just to feel is what we do sometimes.

I think about what is said, what is meant, and what is implied. I think about the actions that don’t match words—the disappointment pawned as deception, projected upon us by others who don’t share our per-view.

I think about the larger pictures now. I think about nations so full of themselves that they have no room for anyone else. I think about gluttony, self-righteousness, and arrogance. I think about the subtle differences between ignorance and arrogance. I think about the variations between the Latin roots and the true meaning of words —the connotations and the denotations; derivations and the deliberate disregard for the decisive decisions that divide us.

I think about our option to defer our wants. The things that we “need” first that too often prolong ever meeting the goals; the goals too often reshaped and then became intangible, and the irrational excuses that never materialized…all of the excuses that we develop that merely explain (not excuse) why our dreams are deferred.

Redefining our why? Dissolving our fears! Realizing what truly brings joy into our lives.

Watching my son play an outdated gaming system, I discover that the algorithm responds to his actual motion rather than intended outcome. The algorithm never accounted for his fear, his anxiety, his hopes or his dreams. Being the better player was never about skill or drive. It was about finding the sweet spot that the programmers engineered. I begin to wonder how I overlooked this all along. I wonder how many other systems are powered by emotion. I think about how popular these systems are. I ponder how the intent and the actual responses are not calculated into the equation.

I’m hyper sensitive. I watch the minivan in front of me. I see the boat stuffed into the cargo area. Seats removed, hatch wide open, driver intent on making his recreation a reality whether or not he has the trailer, the safety equipment, or anything else to qualify his desire to set sail. No limits. No excuses. No regrets. Doing means something!

Thinking out loud…